So this is definitely a difficult post to write, I’ve been putting off telling anyone as its been a hard one to swallow. I keep pushing it to the back on my mind and not thinking about it but every time I see someone breastfeed or a picture of someone breastfeeding my heart hurts a little.
If you’ve followed our journey since Georgies arrival you’ll know I had my struggles but we kept at it as a team because he loved it so much and so did I. It gave me the most amazing confidence in myself that I could actually feed him all on my own and I felt so proud of us. Our bond through breastfeeding was just so beautiful and the way he looked at me every time he fed melted my heart. The thought of ever stopping made me feel sick and I kept saying we will keep going until we can. I was so worried I was going to have to get to a day when I had to actually say ‘right I’m going to stop today’ but that day never came and we had to stop with out any choice. All through Georgie’s weight gain problem I stuck to my guns as he was so happy feeding from me and didn’t give in even though it was probably the easiest thing to do to get his weight up.
When we went to Edinburgh Georgie got so ill over the days we were there and ended up really struggling to feed. His breathing was so bad that everytime he latched on he just couldn’t feed and he was getting so frustrated and upset I just didn’t want him to get more upset than he already was. We ended up in hospital at the end of the week because his breathing was so bad and he stopped feeding all together from the bottle or the breast. The doctors told us he had bronchitis and tonsillitis so was started on antibiotics and also had a suction wire put in his nose to try and clear the mucus. Luckily he started taking a bottle, with a bit of struggle but with much more ease than the breast. Luckily We were combine feeding at that stage, He was feeding from me through the night, morning and bedtime feed and bottles for the rest of the day so his tummy was already settled to formula. Over the corse of him being so ill I was just so focused on trying to get him well again, that breasfedding came to an end. He started taking bottles easier than the breast while his breathing was bad and as he was getting milk in him that was the only thing that mattered at that stage. For the first few days I kept expressing but with him waking so many times in the night and crying non stop expressing just stopped happening and within about a week my milk went. Oh god even writing those words down makes me feel so sad. He was ill for such a long time and his nose has only really cleared in the last couple of days so I know that what happened needed to and I never chose to stop but things just unfolded the way they did. Georgie is most probably my last baby so it does make me so sad that are breastfeeding journey is over but the 5 and a half months we had breastfeeding gave us the most beautiful bond that I will always be grateful for as he is so cuddly and loves being on me and being close and I know thats because we breastfed for so long.
I wanted to write this post as I wanted to write it down so I could let it all go. I really believe that sometimes writing things down lets you release anything your holding onto and let you move on. Any Mum that has breastfed and didn’t choose to stop will know the pain I feel today, and also all the mums that chose to stop because of a reason they had for themselves and their baby will know the heartache too.
My only happiness in stopping was that the last time I fed him was a lovely day. Although he was ill we still had a wonderful time in Edinburgh. Tom went for a run in the afternoon, so I got into my robe and Georgie and I just had a lovely hour in bed snoozing, feeding and cuddling. I obviously didn’t know that that would be the last time he had a proper feed from me but it makes me happy knowing it was such a lovely day and that I actually took a picture of us on that day.
This picture is my last breastfeeding picture I have on my phone and ill treasure it forever along with all my other ones.
Being a Mum is hard, Being a Mum is guilt everyday, being a Mum is worrying non stop about what your doing wrong but one thing being a mum is….. is love, the love your children give you even when you feel like you’ve been rubbish that day is priceless. Us Mums really need to stick together and support one another. Being judgemental to other mothers for what you think is right is just wrong and people don’t realise how harmful comments can be to other Mums. I was scared to even put this out there as I really don’t think I can handle one person saying I should have carried on through it all so I’d just like to say if you think this please know I tried and it breaks my heart that Georgie and I Stopped our feeding journey. BUT I have the most beautiful baby boy who is changing and growing everyday and I can’t wait to see him grow into the gorgeous, caring boy I know he will be.
Lots of love